| Daddy Diaries:First Post |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:41 pm] |
|
Welcome to the Daddy Diaries. This will be an inside look at becoming a parent from Day 1. It will be a look into marraige, being a father, and my life to come. Also for others it might be the best kind of birth control. Hopefully, well share a few laughs along the way. |
|
|
| Daddy Diary Prequel #1 |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:45 pm] |
Ok so welcome to the Daddy Diaries. This will be an inside look at becoming a parent from Day 1. Also for others it might be the best kind of birth control. Hopefully, well share a few laughs along the way. Let me introduce you to the key players. Chelsea is Big Momma (BM). I am Big Daddy (BD). And our unborn and yet to be named child will be referred to as Karma (K). She is Karma here because a) we havent thought of a name b) Big Momma wont let me name her that and c) She is going to be my little bundle of Karma for years to come.
This is actually the prequel to the Daddy Diaries. It all began when I was between the ages 15 and 16. That wonderful summer between Freshman and Sophomore year. I was not the fine specimen of man you see before you today. Imagine if you will, I was 53 (I couldnt even ride the rides at Libertyland), about 125lbs, pale, acne ridden (Sean used to call me Pepperoni face), and very very shy. Now look at the beast we call Buck this day and age, I am 65, 285lbs, pretty much a clear face, farmer tan that is so sexy it dont stop, and LOUD!
The path to this was a very painful one to say the least. There was tears, sobbing, long nights, warm towels, and lots of pain medication. Right after I turned 16, I hit a growth spurt. When I saw growth spurt, I am not talking a couple inches over a year. I am talking 9 inches in 3 months. That averages about 3 inches a month. It was more like 1 inch in May, 5 inches in July, 3 in August and back to school. I grew so quickly my bones and muscles could not keep up with each other. No one noticed it because the people I hung out with everyday saw me everyday that summer. The doctors noticed because I came in with horrible leg pains. They sent me home with painkillers and the advice to put warm towels wrapped around my legs and knees. This was before everyone had microwaves so my mom would take wet towels and put them in the oven. Its a wonder we didnt burn the apartment down.
Anyways because of all of that I have always had leg problems. My knees go out for no reason except that I used them that day (walking, stretching, etc). If it rains my legs ache sometimes. My feet grew a little to fast as well but that is a story for a different Daddy Dairies.
Well fast forward to present day. Big Momma and I are out to some exciting excursion (probably to go grocery shopping, a trip to Babies R Us, or get some ice cream) and my legs are hurting bad. It had rained early and my legs just ached. It was bugging me and I was bitching and moaning like a little girl. So I say Man, "My legs hurt!"
Big Momma turns to me (because she was looking out the window at the time and says in the most calm, collective, and serious voice that I have every heard, "Im sorry did you say your clit hurts? Because join the club!"
WELCOME TO THE DADDY DIARIES. Tell your friends and tell a stranger! (Thats for Lana, Tish, Dana, and Brad) |
|
|
| Not Quite a Daddy Diary |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:47 pm] |
The Daddy Diary (look spelled it right this week) will be out hopefully tomorrow. But I do have a story. I was coming back from running an errand and I was on Ridgeway at Poplar when I saw something that just struck me as WRONG!
There on the corner was a man begging. Now I have no problem with pan handling but this one had that special touch. The man had his son holding the sign. This struck me at my core as wrong. Now if times get hard for me (lose my job, car, etc), I might turn to begging. The situation would have to be extreme but I am not proud to beg. But under no circumstances would my daughter be out there with me. In fact, she would never know I was doing it. Ignorance is bliss and my daughter will never know if we are extremely rich or poor. She will not be on the side of the road begging with me.
Since I do not want to end on a depressing note, I will share with you two things I saw while in Millington this weekend. On the Corner of 51 and Navy in Millington, there is a shop called Amy’s Pet Saloon. Right next door is Millington’s Taxidermy. Anyone see the irony of that one.
Secondly, we were in gas station buying some ice for Lil Momma and going to the bath room. While waiting in line I looked to my left and there was the storage closet/room for the gas station. Not unusual, right? Well the door was wide open. Still not usual! Right above the door was a sign that read. “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THIS DOOR TO STAY OPEN!!!”
Yes it had three !!! and it wasn’t hand made it was professionally done. I know that it could have been an accident or someone in there but 2 things come to mind. 1) There was only one girl on duty and she was working the register and 2) If the sign has been professionally made then this is obviously a problem and has been discussed at employee meetings.
Do they have employee meeting at gas stations? DADDY DIARY, hopefully, TOMORROW |
|
|
| Daddy Diaries Prequel- My Super Fiancee Vol 1 |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:50 pm] |
In the beginning we had the morning sickness olympics at the house but at night. I called it the Night Olympics. Chelsea used to get sick at night so we held the events then. That includes the 10 meter sprint to the toilet. The Projectile vomit. The Most vomit. The Person who can cry the fastest. Chelsea is a gold medalist in all these events. She stills gets a little sick every once in a while but I think she is just showing off now, like Jordan playing one on one with people at basketball camps.
But these “skills” have morphed or mutated if you will into super powers. Chelsea has a ton of them. It’s like she’s one of the xmen or something. But before we get to all of them let me tell you about the lack of mine.
Some people know this and other don't. I was born without the sense of smell. I mean I can smell nothing. I have been sitting in my house reading a book and the whole stove was on fire. I didn't even know till the fire alarm went off. Therefore by default, I have no sense of taste. Well I sort of do but it very dulled (is that a word). I can taste certain things and pretty much hate them.
-pickles
-onions
-mustard
-spicy
-really sweet thing
I therefore pretty much eat anything. The whole smell/taste thing doesn't bug me except I have never smelt Chelsea when she wears her perfume. Hoo-Ha! I am great on long road trips because you can fart and I really don't care because I can't smell. If you cook for me I'll eat it. I'm also blind as a bat and can not see past the tip of my nose without contact or glasses. . My dream is to wake up and be able to see without any assistance.
Enough about me, you all came to the Daddy Diaries for Chelsea’s super powers. I was going to write a really long blog but decided to break it up and make it several different parts. Here is the first one.
Super Smell
Chelsea can smell things from miles away. She knows things by just smelling me. I came in the other night and Chelsea took one whiff of me and said “Woo! How much did you drink?” I responded like I usually do, “A couple.” This is when her super smell kicks in. Super Chelsea says “A couple my ass. *Sniff!* You had 4 pitchers (one a piece) while hanging out with Tish, who had 3 cigarettes; Dave, who worked a double at Raffertys; Tigers, who mowed 2 no wait 3 lawns; and Sam the guy who just drank bourbon. You then went to Brookhaven had a lemon drop and a shot of Jager. Lana met ya’ll there. You then decided to come home but on the way stopped at McDonald’s and had the two Big Mac Meal deal: super sized.”
On top of the ability of to distinguish between every scent on my body and breath, she can smell things that don’t exist. I shouldn’t say that don’t exist but more not detectable by meer mortals. I have to brush my teeth almost every hour because Super Chelsea smells stuff on my breath. She can smell things burning when nothing is burning. And because of the super smell, she can not go near her old work of Swanky’s Taco Shop because the smell of Mexican makes her compete in the Night Olympics.
A perfect example of this the other night was when I was cooking dinner for myself. I use the verb cook very loosely here. I heated a $1 TV dinner. I bought it on the sly with a bunch of other ones because it was Mexican food. I took it out of the fridge and removed it from the box. Her super smell kicked in and was like “Phew Wee, that stinks!” I ignored her and continued to cook my enchiladas. Later on it made her sick. |
|
|
| Daddy Diaries: My Super Fiancée: Super Hearing |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:53 pm] |
Last time we spoke of Chelsea’s Super Smell, we now move onto…
Super Hearing
Ask anyone of Chelsea’s family members and they will let you know she is a little oversensitive but the pregnancy has developed her sense to super-sensitive. This power is sort of like the super smell. She can hear things that no regular human can hear and can distinguish between lots of different noises and pin point what each one is. We will be watching TV and hear our next door neighbor’s TV. God bless Lee for being so understanding and always turning down his TV. Our last neighbor wasn’t so nice.
Chelsea also now can hear a “dog whistle” like sound that is coming from my left nostril. It has gotten so loud that she can’t function and do anything else. When we are watching TV she sits on the couch as far away from as she can. We went to a movie the other night and she watched my nostril more than the movie.
So my solution is to take two wads of toilet paper and shove them up my nostrils. This makes it hard for any noise to come out my nose. If no toilet paper is available she will take matters into her own hands. Have you ever seen on TV where the doctor resets a broken nose. The doctor grabs the nose and yanks it in the opposite direction with force. This pretty much what happens every time she hears the whistle from nostril. Let me tell you its is not a pleasant experience. We are driving down the street and I am in mid sentence and with super speed (more on this later) a hand reaches across, grabs my nose, and gives a yank like it made of taffy.
Super Chelsea can hear a car drive by and tell you what song is playing on their stereo. She can tell you artist, song title, and year it was a hit. If no car is driving by our apartment, she will increase her listening area and tell me the make, model, year, and color that is playing the loud ass song at the entrance to our complex |
|
|
| Daddy Diaries: My Super Fiancée:Immune to Cold |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:54 pm] |
Welcome to another addition to the Daddy Diary. I have written several DD's about Chelsea's super powers. The list keeps getting bigger and longer because I get new material everyday.. But here is the next one. The next DD might be just a bunch of small super powers.
Immune to Cold
Chelsea has grown so that cold temperatures do not bug her. It is almost a weakness because she needs the AC now. I live in artic like climates. I walk around in long sleeve t-shirt or sweatshirt, socks, and sweatpants. This is when its 105 degrees outside. The sad part is that I have become used to it.
The other night I went to Sonic on 1 of our regular 3 trips there for ice. Each trip, we purchase between 3 to 8 cups of ice. This was an 8 Route 44 cups of ice. Chelsea wasnt feeling to well so I went by myself. I left the house without thinking of what I was wearing. I hop in the truck and head to Sonic, and I got HOT!!! I started sweating and overheating. The radio dj tells me its 103 degrees outside. Then I look down and I have on. I am wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, a knit hat. No wonder I am hot. I also sleep in this gear so the only time I am not wearing winter clothes is when I am at work.
She eats frozen fruit by the pounds. I am talking an 8 pound bag of frozen fruit is gone in like 10 minutes. She devours the Route 44 cup of ice in mere minutes. The AC never goes above -35 degrees. When we lived in the one bedroom efficiency in midtown, the ac unit used to spit out ice. I live in an ice box. I dont need to put my Dr. Pepper or beer in a coozie or back in the fridge because it says super cold.
In fact I wrote this whole blog while in a long sleeve tshirt and sweatpants. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
July 24th, 2006 |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
Next Day |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
buckdaddiaries's journal